She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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