just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
