I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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