Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
