I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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