Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize