When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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