how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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