Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
