she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
organizing the empties. That sober.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
