I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
