Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
