Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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