You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
