I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
