i jhust puked up my retainher.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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