a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
