My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
