Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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