Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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