allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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