dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
