Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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