"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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