So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
