Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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