Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
