Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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