This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
