My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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