oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ladies don't puke and tell
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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