AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
