i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
