my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
