When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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