I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
