Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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