why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
