The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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