beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
