There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
