I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
