is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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