I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
