sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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