It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
