Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
