He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
