The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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