I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
