We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
