the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
