The best revenge is premature balding
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
