Dual....:-)
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
