we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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