I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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