my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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