Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
this boner is exhausting
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
