if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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