Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
