I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
