if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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