that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
and you said cock pushups were impossible
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
